Hello all.  I’m back.  A few days later than anticipated, but I’m once again settling into the snoozy city of Seattle.  Fall is definitely passing and the typical dreary days are developing.  I can feel the temptation to find a fireplace and a hot cup of coffee to rest the day away.  That combined with some serious jet lag makes for a foggy Friday.  I’m just not as centered as I like to be, but I don’t so much mind the relaxed approach to life.  With little to do the next couple days, this might be my chance to recover lost lingerings and an overloaded mind.  

You might be wondering where I was off to?  Well, I went back to what was once known as the dark continent…Africa; Kenya and Tanzania to be exact.  I was there for an unexpected 16 days on business, and I glimpsed first hand some of the manifestation of the term “dark” that has so often described such a glorious yet groaning culture.  I had a conversation with my friend Charles while we were there in which we talked about the label “dark continent”.  Often the term was used to refer to the skin color of the people; but at other times, it has been used to describe the level of oppression and evil that still seems to be so pervasive throughout the culture.  A friend recently said, “I hear it’s hard to do business in Africa.”  She was right.  At every turn we were up against corrupt government officials, corrupt law enforcement and people looking to make a buck at the expense of robbing their victims of everything we had come to so graciously offer.  Does this mean that Africa is more evil than America?  Not for a second do I believe that to be true; any more than I believe that the converse of that statement would be any more true.  People are people.  Just as we came face to face with extreme levels of corruption and deceit, we also met with some of the most gracious, giving, glorious people on the planet.  In the face of adversity, and the cultural bent of many to take advantage of every opportunity and every unsuspecting person, there were those who were saddened by the hearts of many of their own people.  And it was these that have invested their energy and very lives into offering an example to their own communities of an honest and loyal pursuit of goodness for all.  I am grateful for these that have sacrificed so much to be sure we weren’t sacrificed during our time there.  It takes courageous and risky people to press against those who mock the goodness of God. 

“Evil will not be conquered as long as our hearts live to obtain immediate relief or escape profound loss.  Only when we have little or nothing to lose will we be willing to love.” – Bold Love.

Like I had said before I left, I am going to be spending some time doing something of a review of the book “Bold Love” and its connection to the marriage of evil and shame.  Why?  Because if we don’t dare venture a look into the darkness of evil, and the shame it subsequently creates, both are bound to have unhindered impact on our lives and the lives of the people around us.  If you struggle to believe that what I just said is true, read the headlines of any major newspaper in the world today.  How far do you get before you set your eyes on a story about murder, adultery, embezzlement, theft, arson, etc., etc., etc.?  One of the biggest problems we have with evil is acknowledging its existence in a way that impacts its advancement.  For some, often religious folk, evil is around every corner and responsible for each new hang-nail that appears.  I don’t believe that kind of approach respects the true impact that evil has on our culture.  For many however, we are good at acknowledging that evil exists…over there.  For some reason(s) we want to hold on to the belief that evil is out there, but not that it has any real impact through real every day people on us.  Hence maybe the reason why people seem so shocked if they find out their neighbor is a serial killer.  How many times have you heard people say in interviews…”He seemed like such a nice boy.  I would have never thought he was capable of this.”?

I want to suggest that we are often very unaware of evil working in people, including ourselves.  In some respects there may be some glory in this, if it’s a sign that we trust God, as we should, that He/She has our best interest in mind and is bigger and more powerful than the darkness that looms.  But in other regards it can also be unhealthy because trauma and abuse can claim a lot of attention and impact that it doesn’t need to have.  Sometimes we work hard not to see the evil that exists around us.  I believe maybe this is because of our fear of the cost that comes with finding out that we are not the people who we have come to believe or fantasize that we are.  Still other times evil is learned enough to camouflage itself from even the most keenly trained investigators, and this is often when the shame of discovery can seem so overwhelming.  Given these three scenarios, is it any wonder that we are so consciously or unconsciously blind to evil at work?       

How is it that I have become so familiar with evil and evil people?  Well, I am not an expert in either category.  However, I seem to be on a very revealing journey to learn and to learn to love.  I believe the only way that I can even be on that journey is to begin by peering deeper into my own soul.  First and foremost I have had to become more in tune with the wicked longings of my own heart.  Often a wandering heart, disobedient, dismissive, dissociative heart; and at times a murderous, adulterous, deeply idolatrous heart.  I see the parts of me that make my stomach turn and my mind want to run away from itself…and yet I know I am loved.  This has been the beginning of my journey in this arena, as my journey must always start with me. 

Propelled by a self-examining eye, my life has also been directly influenced by a number of seemingly evil people who have crossed my path in my biological family, church family, “friends”, a grade school teacher, ministry leaders, neighbors, etc.  How do I know this?  Because my life is marked by extreme loss that has come with seeing, and often naming, the very evil that has freely shown its own face in the face of a handful of people who I have been so close to.  At best some of these particular people displayed a false kindness on the surface, only to quickly reveal more deceitful motivations.  Worse, some of them promised a love and acceptance that turned out to be a pipeline to personal fulfillment and a devouring and all-consuming spirit.

It takes people willing to see and accept the evil that can so easily manifest itself in the lives of our best “friends”, our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, neighbors, church leaders…ourselves…in order to truly drive a stake in the ground to claim our commitment to pursue an end to the violence that evil and shame invite.  But as “Bold Love” says, only when we are ready to let go of our pursuit of immediate relief, and fear of profound loss, will we truly be ready to love. 

More to come…

Well, this idea of chasing “Bold Love” has been more or less slipping into a coma lately.  However, the chase will continue…in a few weeks.  This may be my last post for a little bit as I will not likely have access to the time and computer necessary to keep the flow going until November.  Even this past week has proven unfruitful in blog-land. 

Before I sign off for a bit though, I did want to put out a few quotes that caught my attention in chapter ten called “Loving an Evil Person: Seige Warfare.”  I’ll be talking more about this chapter, and subsequent chapters, when my blogging opportunity resurfaces.  Best to all of you reading until then!

About Labels:

“For most people, labels are stereotypes that strip life of its complexity in order to make it more tolerable.  When labels are used to generalize in this manner, they are destructive.  Labels can be useful without being destructive when they push us to consider (given the differences) the common themes that tie the different people in a subgroup together.  They help us to reflect on the central core passions that drive divergent human behavior.”

“A significant danger in any scheme of categorization is creating a definition that is too clear…A second danger involves rigid definitions.  A rigid definition implies that I am and will always be that in the future…Sufficient change can occur that invalidates the label.  For that reason, I am never to judge you.  I may assess your current condition and offer a tentative hypothesis, ‘You appear to be a fool,’ but am never to say, ‘You are and will always be a fool.”

About Evil and Evil People:

“Often the one who delights in evil is an ordinary, unassuming person who hides behind a facade of normalcy.  Few people who are evil ever appear evil, even after the evidence of their deceit, destructiveness, and hardness is exposed.”

“We all behave in evil ways at times.”

“Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy, shame, and goodness.  Empathy involves a connectedness to the heart of another and a respect for their personal boundaries.  An evil person is unmoved by the inner world of the other and has no respect for boundaries.  Shame involves an ability to be exposed and disturbed about actual or perceived violation of relationships.  An evil person is unaffected by exposure, so to see someone or something grow in strength, freedom, and beauty.  An evil person seems to delight in stripping away purpose, individuality, and vitality.”

“Evil is (for the most part) unfeeling.  It lacks sorrow when someone suffers and joy when there is happiness.  But an evil person is more than emotionally detached; he simply will not allow himself to enter the heart of his victim as a person.  The victim is an object – an entity to be controlled or destroyed- and not a living, breathing being who feels hurt, fear, sorrow, and shame.  In that regard, evil sees the other as nothing more than a service to itself.”

“An evil person, regularly and masterfully, portrays his motives and behavior as innocent.  Others just do not understand.  He is deceitfully gifted in making the victim of his abuse feel like the perpetrator of the harm.”

“The coldness of evil is a passionless hatred toward any who resist or fail to succumb to the evil person’s desires.”

“A second attribute of evil is shamelessness…Shamelessness thrives on the ability to avoid exposure.  The experience of shame always involves an exposure of one’s inner world by another and is usually a potent deterrent to proceeding in a shameless direction…But a person can avoid the experience of shame if he can put the eyes out that see inside him.  When his accuser is blind, he can escape the gaze that penetrates his soul.  For that reason, evil almost always works to shame the other.  Shame works to blind the eyes that expose.”

“Evil is bad.  That is, it is persistently destructive.  But it is also deceitfully subtle.  Consequently, evil rarely shows itself as bad.  In fact, it often portrays itself as helpful, open, kind, generous, long-suffering.”

“Evil misuses power and then claims innocence.  If that is questioned, then evil uses shame or mockery to bludgeon the victim into accepting the shame.”

“One of the greatest gifts one can give a person inclined towards evil is the strength to frustrate their attempts to dominate.”

“Evil uses false contrition to lull its victim to sleep so that it can regroup and try a different tactic.”

“Evil will not be conquered as long as our hearts live to obtain immediate relief or escape profound loss.  Only when we have little or nothing to lose will we be willing to love.”

Be back in a couple weeks.

Jamie

A man I respect very much co-authored a book that helped me turn the corner on some (notice I said some) of my ignorance, as well as my self-perpetuated and other-perpetuated blindness.  I only hold about 10 or so books as truly life changing for me…”Bold Love” is one of them.  Dan Allender has consistently, through written and spoken word, invited me to see and name both the abuse and the love I have been and am surrounded by in the world.  In order to do that I have had to become much more brutally honest about my own brokenness and sin, while finding confidence in my compassionate and repentant heart.  He has spurred me on to do the same with other people.  Consequently, although I know people who are willing to pursue a deepening realization of both the good and evil in their hearts, I have repeatedly come to realize that few people care to hold that dichotomy for themselves; and some even take great pleasure in making sure that authentic compassion and repentance are decimated under foot.  So, what does it mean to love people right where they are at?  I believe that has something to do with how much we are willing to address shame.

“Bold Love” covers a number of topics not limited to forgiveness, hatred, hope, revenge and restoration.  Because it would take me years to delve into the depths of the text, I’m going to move past much of the book and focus some of our attention on the last three chapters…Loving an Evil Person, Loving a Fool, and Loving a Normal Sinner.  I think these categories are very interwoven with the concept of shame that I have been and will be talking about.  But I hesitate to jump to those particular bullet points without noting that the end of a project can never near completion without an awareness of the beginning.  So, please know that there is a lot of context that we are going to run past in this book.  It is this context created by the content in the beginning of the book that is vital for a more complete understanding of how the last three chapters play out.  So, my recommendation would be to consider buying the book.  Although you might not be entirely happy with what it reveals for and in you, as well as the people around you, I trust you wouldn’t regret it.

Hope there was goodness in your weekend, even if it wasn’t easy to find.

It’s been a little bit since I last posted.  Time has been fleeting and responsibilities have been growing.  Not a good combination for posting.  I will likely be out of commission towards the middle/end of the month for a few weeks as well.  But for now, I thought I would share with you something that  happened for me recently.  I found myself in a very weird paradox.  First, I have had a few really hard conversations with someone regarding this topic and my story particularly.  Conversations that in many ways left me dealing with my own shame for trusting someone with my story who committed to support me, and ultimately dropped me; and then dealing with their shame for doing so, that they seem to want me to hold for them.  As a result, I think I may have become a little shaming of them for dumping their shame on me.  So, shame on them, and shame on me?  No.  I say God damn all this shame back to hell where it came from, and God pave the way for honesty and repentance.  Not the kind of “repentance” that is about people feeling better about themselves at the cost of the people they are requesting “forgiveness” from, but true heartfelt “I’m going to change my ways” repentance.  May that be the determining factor for who holds what shame, so that in the face of a forgiving God they/we may repent and be released from that shame as well, if they/we so choose. 

So, that was the first piece of my paradox.  Here’s the second…

I have been so grateful lately.  Ironically, I have been the most grateful for many of the directions my life has gone in spite, or maybe even as a result of, the abuse I experienced at the church that got rid of me.  What do I conclude?  God.  Like I said in the last post, I believe God is in the business of making something beautiful out of ashes.  Does that mean I have God to thank for putting me through what I went through; or even harder to swallow, the people who abused me and allowed me to be abused?  I don’t believe so.  As for God, I don’t know how God operates, but I can say that ultimately I am grateful to him/her for being the one who somehow oversees my life and invites me to more beautiful streams than what I have gone through.  In regards to my abusers, I’m actually quite concerned that some of those people would be looking for more reasons to further abdicate themselves from the responsibility for what they did, and would love to use my gratitude as another excuse to do so.  Let it be known that I am not grateful to them for what they did.  I am grateful to God for taking what they did and turning it into something much more glorious than they had intended, or that evil had intended through them. 

It’s an odd place to find rest, if it is truly rest that I have found.  To realize that had it not been for the abuse, I may not have been propelled in the same way down the same directions that have brought me such joy in other areas of my life.  Had it not been for the abuse, I would not have an even keener understanding of what abuse looks like so I can help others face it in their own lives.  I can’t tell you the number of people who I have run into that have responded with statements like “That happened to me too!  I thought I was the only one who went through that.”  “I had a friend who used to be a pastor.  Would you mind talking to him/her, because they went through the same thing.”  “I was in a relationship with a man/woman and I felt just like that.”  Thanks be to God.  God has truly taken some of the charred remains in my experience and other’s and has birthed new life. 

If you are reading this and are a wounded minister, or anyone else recovering from abuse that has taken place in your life, my statements of gratitude are in no way an attempt to suggest you should be in the same place or should respond in the same way.  We are all on this journey of recovery at different paces that even lead to different conclusions.  What I might encourage you to consider however, is whether or not there is anything you might find yourself grateful for right now, regardless of the propelling factors.  My hope for you is that there is even something, however small it may seem, that you can hold on to in the midst of whatever you may be facing. 

Blessings.  And until next time.  Shalom.

I have pondered much on these posts about shame.  Does that mean I think you should be more inclined to believe what I say as a result?  No.  It means that I believe this topic is central to our human experience, and requires a lot of thought to step into it.  I also believe that the topic of shame is rarely addressed…because we are too ashamed to risk it.  Shame is prevalent and powerful, deceiving and seductive, confusing, full of fear at times, but also a catalyst to hope.  Shame is real, and deeply rooted in our lives.  Because WE have impressed it upon us or drawn it out of us?  Yes, but I believe even more because evil is the author of it and resides very close to it, directing it to wreak havoc in the very core of our souls.  I don’t take talking about shame lightly, because we are full of it.  WE are full of it.  So much so that even the mention of a conversation about it, often feels threatening and causes more of it.  I don’t believe this topic of shame should be treated lightly, because the weight of shame on us is often more than any of us can seem to bare…on a really good day.

So, what do we do with shame?  Well, I think it depends on where it’s coming from.  But one thing I believe very strongly is that it’s not healthy to deny shame, or to wallow in it.  To deny it bends us towards being perpetrators of it, and to wallow in it suggests we’ve resigned ourselves to being victims of it.  Either one is not good, and both will need to be addressed in every one of our lives if we want to find some freedom from the shame that haunts us.

In some of the posts ahead I will be talking about what we do with other people’s shame (that which we have been taught to hold for them, as well as the shame someone is trying to put on us); and our own shame (that which we are responsible for creating in our own lives and other’s).  But amidst my written pondering, and any “tips and techniques” which may surface as a result, I think it’s most important to remember…God.  

You see, I don’t believe we can, nor should we, try to extricate shame from our lives.  It is impossible to live life without shame, even with the purest of hearts.  As a result, shame becomes of the utmost value to us.  For that which evil intended to do harm with, I believe God will create goodness from, if we are willing (not commanded) to see.  But I don’t know where you are with your story, and I want to be careful not to add more shame for you by making directive statements about God and “our” stories.  So instead, I thought I would share a little bit about my journey as of late and hope that it can be of some insight into or assistance with your own.

But that will have to wait until next time, because the sun is out and I would like to express my gratitude for it by experiencing some of it, instead of just looking at it.

Corey and I have heard dozens of stories from ministers who have been forcefully terminated from their ministry positions.  In line with the statistic listed on “The Report” page of this site, we have found that the majority of the ministers we have spoken with were terminated as a result of relational conflicts with people in the ministry.  Some of those conflicts were with the people who had the power to terminate us, and some were with people who just had louder voices, or were craftier in their story-telling of why we were such a problem. 

When one person, or a group, makes the decision to swiftly cut another person off from their position and often community, except for the cases when abuse is clearly taking place (and even then it requires investigation), it is obvious that people are trying to protect themselves, their position, their image, etc.  They are too afraid to face the consequences of their own failings and/or inability to relationally engage the situation.  Thus, they get rid of the evidence of their own problem.  It’s an act of cowardice. 

When someone heeds the voice(s) of another person or people, without also heeding their own internal voice of curiosity and reason, that too can be an act of cowardice.  We have heard a few stories from ministers who were in conflict with someone in their ministries, and the leadership (and often the congregation) unwaveringly and uninformedly supported the person/people the minister was in conflict with.  At times it was even done believing that the leaders were “protecting” the other person or the congregation.  In a very small number of situations, that may have been true.  In most cases, it turns out the leadership was just protecting themselves.

Where am I going with this?  We have a bully problem in some of our ministries.  There is a bully or two, or a few, that have decided how they want things, and they are going to defend their own position or personal dysfunctions (and even recruit others to help) no matter what the cost is to some people.  Maybe the bully is a pastor, other people in leadership, or common lay workers/congregants.  Sometimes it’s obvious there is a bully, but other times it is not.  There are bullies who yell and sneer, and then there are bullies who put on a pleasant seductive “Christian” face until their comfort zone is threatened and they snap.  But snapping doesn’t necessarily include huffing and puffing and yelling.  A lot of bullies have learned how to quietly shame, blame and make their victims pay a severe price with very few people knowing.  I would say the latter happens more often in the case of many forcefully terminated ministers.  As ”The Report” page notes, it’s a form of passive aggressive behavior, which translates to abusive or bullying behavior. 

Bullies have learned how to attract a lot of attention, and create an obvious or quiet fear that keeps people from pointing them out.  Some bullies have found a way to seduce people into “caring about” and protecting them; by the way, this is more common with female bullies because men don’t often draw out the same protective nature from people.  But the bottom line is that bullies don’t really care about other people.  Their primary concern is themselves.  And those of us who find ourselves supporting bullies really care more about ourselves in those moments as well, because we are more afraid of being hurt than of doing what’s right. 

It won’t be until we face our own shame that we will stop bullying, or stop supporting those who are.

Next post for sure…”What do I do with shame?”

These two concepts, “caring for” and “caring about”, have been milling around in my thoughts for a few months now.  Their presence in my head stems from the question of whether or not the leaders and adult congregants from clergy killing ministries cared about the ministers they ejected.

Many forcefully terminated ministers have lost sleep, and have been emotionally exhausted as a result of one of many important questions they find themselves haunted by…”Did/Do the people of my offending ministry care about me?”  I would suggest, sadly, in many cases…no.  In those cases, if the person cared about the minister at one time, it quickly became apparent that in the end they really cared more about their own comfort level; which leads me back to the question of whether nor not they cared about the minister to begin with.  I’m still formulating opinions, but here is where I think the categories of “caring for” and ”caring about” diverge, and are important to differentiate. 

Although not everyone is willing to care for someone, many of us find it fairly natural to reach out a helping hand…or foot.  The other day I was at a park and two boys were kicking a soccer ball around a little ways away from me.  One of the boys kicked the soccer ball right past the other, and over to me.  What did I do?  I kicked it back.  My point?  I knew I should have played soccer!  No, actually, my point is this…I cared for those two boys.  I could have let them chase the ball themselves, and on a different day may have done just that.  But this time I didn’t, and I am glad I can say I cared for them.  However, does that mean that I cared about them as well?  Maybe, but that wouldn’t be determined in that moment, because I didn’t have a need to find out.  Here’s my rationale… 

I believe often, if we care, we care for people, but may not care about them.  What’s the difference?  I think it comes down to what we are willing to bleed for.  The level we care about someone, is the extent to which we are willing to fight for them.  I’m not talking specifically about a fist fight, although that may be necessary in some cases.  I’m talking about standing up for someone when it hurts.  If a man was trying to kidnap one of those boys, I would say my actions would determine how much I cared about the boy.  We will be able to determine how much we care about someone/something according to how much pain we are willing to endure; and many times we are the most committed to protecting ourselves and hurting as little as possible.  To truly care about someone requires a willingness to pay a severe price to protect them when they are in danger, and as a result, maybe so are we. 

Martin Luther King Jr. cared about the African-American people, and the reconciliation of all people to each other.
William Wallace cared about the freedom of the Scottish people.
Mother Teresa cared about the people in Calcutta.
Patch Adams cared about the underprivileged and their need for healthcare. 
Sgt. Jared Monti cared about his men in Afghanistan.
Nancy Murphy cares about domestic violence victims.
Jesus, in his days on this earth, cared about each and every person enough to speak to and about them according to his knowledge and experience of them; despite his tendency to rally the unpopular vote that ultimately lead to his crucifixion by those very people…and the rest of us.

I think Carol, who is living on her roof in Edmonds, Washington, cares about child beggars and street workers in Africa.  Why?  Because she has been living in a tent on the roof of her fabric store for 47 days and counting, and says she won’t come down until she raises a million dollars to help women and children in Africa.  A publicity stunt?  Always a possibility.  I hope it’s true sacrifice.  The kind that holds strong in spite of the negative responses, because it’s what’s good, even if it hurts.  

So, should we all live on top of our church roofs and raise money?  I don’t believe so.  Actually, I think we should sell a bunch of our church buildings, meet in our homes or the local park, and give the money we already have to the people who need it.  But that would require giving up control, risking the unknown, sacrificing our comfort zones, and experiencing some pain ourselves for the betterment of others who are hurting around us.  Now, why would we do that?  After all, we are proving with trackable statistics that many churches don’t really care about the ministers or congregants in their own ministries.  Why in heaven’s name would we sell it all and give up the last bit of control and false security that we have for people we don’t even know?  We won’t even do it for the people we do!

I believe we have some serious work to do, and some of that work is rooted in moving beyond caring for, and determining who or what we truly want to care about.  That will require taking time to count the cost of what it means to bleed for who/what we care about, and then stepping in with much boldness and many bandages together.

Possible next post…”When caring about them is really caring about me.”

I realized as I wrote the title to this fourth installment on shame that you have no idea how many parts I am going to write; and if I didn’t tell you that I don’t know, you might be wondering what my plan was.  For a second there, I felt just a little more powerful.  Like I can know my plan and not let you in if I don’t want to.  Well, I am going to give up that power and tell you that I have no idea how long this series will go, or if it will end after this post.  But I think power is a good thing to be talking about.  So, let’s start with that.

Power is directly connected to shame.  When we feel ashamed, we often feel powerless.  So we work to feel more powerful so we don’t feel so ashamed.  I mentioned in my last post that shamelessness actually finds it’s origin in shamefulness.  I don’t know about you, but that concept is enough to make my head spin.  Let me see if I can sort it out some…

Shame is a powerful tool, and rarely used to promote better health and well-being.  More often than not, shame is used to try and control people.  All of us know someone, or multiple people, who have shamed us in order to try and get us to say, do or believe something that will benefit them.  We all, knowingly or unknowingly, do that to people more than I think any of us would like to admit.  Some people (maybe some of us) however, have grown up under a blanket of intense shame in our homes, schools, religious institutions, etc.  Situations where we rarely seemed to be able to truly say, do or believe anything “right” in the eyes of the person demanding control and attention.  And if we finally learned how to live “right”, we probably lost ourselves in the process of making other people happy; which is enough to really piss us off, even if we can’t admit it.  The problem is, we can’t, nor are we meant to handle that level of intense shame.  We were created to live freely in love and gratitude.  Shame opposes all three of those categories, and when introduced in large quantities, creates a large problem.  Intense shame can lead to depression, anxiety, paranoia, fear, confusion, rage and so many more disruptive feelings.

Because we were not meant to feel that level of oppression and constant discomfort, our bodies begin to fight back.  We begin to develop whatever personal strategies we need to in order to avoid feeling more shame.  Naturally right?  Who wants to live under a blanket of shame their whole lives.  Usually our strategies come out in the form of rage, manipulation or lies to help us get out of the conversations, looks, moments when someone is trying to make us feel ashamed.  Whatever defenses we develop that work best to dodge the shame pies being thrown at our faces, that’s what we begin to adopt into our personal tool box.  As the box is filled with our “101 Ways to Avoid Shame”, a kind of metamorphosis happens.  We go from being severely ashamed, to dodging the shame, to shaming other people instead.  Unless we are aware of our feelings of shame and are able to deal with them appropriately, the progression ALWAYS leads to shaming other people.  Then we begin to take on the character of the very people who made us feel so bad to begin with.  Maybe that’s something of what the scriptures mean when it says that the sins of the fathers will be passed on from generation to generation.   

Needless to say, when we learn to avoid our own shame by putting it on other people, we begin to feel powerful.  We no longer feel the same kind of shame that other people put on us, and over time even begin to deny the shame we should legitimately feel for the pain we have caused other people.  If we learn to conceal our shame well enough, we will also learn to deny that we are hurting others, or worse, revel in it.  It’s hard to give up power when we’ve felt so powerless for so long.  But the problem is, when we feel so powerful, or in control, that we no longer feel shame, then we wreak havoc on our own mental/emotional stability, as well as other people’s.  Shame exists for a reason, and is very valuable when it is experienced in the right context.  I believe it is meant to call us to back to a humble position with God where we relinquish our demand for control and personal satisfaction; and instead, when the shame is truly ours to hold, that we repent for whatever it is that has brought that shame upon ourselves and others.  Repent.  Repent.  Repent.  God didn’t say don’t ever sin.  He said REPENT. 

So, if you are in relationship with someone who seems like they have no shame for their abusive words, attitudes or actions, you can be rest assured there is deep shame there.  But helping truly abusive people to admit that they should be “ashamed of themselves” is a very difficult task, because they have spent a lifetime creating all the necessary defense systems they need to deflect those feelings of shame as often as they can.  Which begs the question…”How will I ever truly believe the sacrifice Jesus made was for me, unless I can admit I need it?”

In a future post…”What can/should we do about our shame?”

I’m back.  Things have been a little quiet around here this week.  I thought I’d clean the dust out of the blog box with a follow up to “Shame: The Underside of Narcissism- Part 2″.  There have been a few comments, and I appreciate your forthright responses brinkmanship and rodmaster.  What I thought I would do, so as not to just react to or cater to your thoughts, is to develop my own response to what Michelle said using a story I read in the Seattle Times today as the basis for that response.

Often when I consider the faceless victim, I think of war.  It is my understanding, from the few veterans that I have spoken with, that there is a certain approach to preparing military personnel for war.  One primary element of that training is desensitization.  In order for someone to be prepared to take the life of another, a value judgement must be taught.  Maybe it is the value of one’s own family over another’s, one’s belief system or agenda over another’s, and then in the case of close hand to hand combat, the value of one’s life over the other’s.  But no matter how you cut it, in order for us to prepare for killing another person, we must be able to disregard something of the humanity in the other.  There is no better example of that than denying the look of another’s face.  I have what seems to be a very fitting example of this that I found in today’s issue of the Seattle Times.  I will be mentioning some sensitive material in the next paragraph so that you can prepare yourself if you want to keep reading.

A 24 year old “Ex-Soldier” will now be serving three consecutive life sentences in prison as a result of his decision to murder the father, mother and sister (5 years old) of a 14 year old girl in Iraq, who he then raped (after two other soldiers raped her) and then killed as well.  If you would like to read the article yourself, you can find it here.  The judge overseeing the case remarked, “What the defendant did was horrifying and inexcusable.”  The soldier’s remarks to the judge…”If I had not joined the Army, if I had not gone to Iraq, I would not have got caught up in anything.”  You know, he may be right.  He was definitely wrong in what he did, and needs to be held accountable for his decisions, but he may also be right.  Maybe the U.S. military trained him to carry out such heinous crimes.  Am I saying that he took courses on doing just such things?  No.  What I am saying, is that any military force trains its personnel to desensitize their levels of guilt and shame, lessen their inhibitions and act more forcefully, with the freedom and even command to place value judgements on people and life.  So, did the military make him do it?  No, he did it under his own volition, and maybe would have done something of the like had he never gone to war, even if only in his mind.  Whatever the case, it’s possible that his military involvement helped release him from his moral inhibitions, or even encouraged him to bring possible fantasies into the realm of reality.  I could continue down that trail, but what I wanted to point out particularly was how he killed the 14 year old girl. 

He shot her in the face…and then burned her body in the back yard of her home.  

The face is so important.  It carries the very essence of life…and of shame.  Not just the shame of the victim, but the shame of the offender.  You see, it is in the expression of pain in another’s face that should bring us literally face to face with our own shame; particularly the shame of the pain that we have caused.  But if we don’t have to see the face of the other, or can look past or avoid the face of the other, then we can avoid our own shame.  I wonder if Michelle was exceptionally pleased not to have to look into, or even visit, the face of her lover’s wife.  Because in doing so, she could follow through on her own desires, and minimize her shame enough to keep the cycle going.  However, although I have hope for both, I hold out more hope for Michelle’s recovery than the “Ex-Soldier’s”.  Why?  Because Michelle felt enough shame not to want to see her victim’s face.  The “Ex-Soldier” took the life of his victim out of her face and then tried to get rid of the evidence that she was human at all.

Narcissism, the inordinate fascination with oneself, is deeply rooted in shamelessness, which ironically is deeply rooted in shamefulness.  More to come on that soon.

 

Moments after finishing this post, I read the comments people have left in response to the article in the Seattle Times…

“Monsters like these should be at the bottom of a sewer for the rest of their lives and be shitted on along with the rest of the jews who got us into this mess.” 

Boy it’s a good thing we’ve got the right guy locked up huh?

God help us all with our narcissism!

I was reading an article the other day.  It was an article about a special Oprah was doing with women who were the secret “lovers” of married men.  It was noted that in research studies on this issue, the primary source of information usually comes from the man who had/is having the affair, or from the woman who was/is left behind.  Rarely do we hear from the woman that the man goes to.  Which is true.  How often have you heard the testimony of the “lover”?  

There was so much that was said that caught my attention, but I think the energy of the whole article from my perspective rested particularly in one sentence that came from a woman named Michelle.

I thought I would do something a little different in this post.  I am going to throw the quoted section out to you and see if we have anyone who wants to comment before I jump back in.  So, here’s the quote…

“Michelle says she has no interest in meeting the wife of her lover. ‘I don’t know her name, what she does. I’ve never asked,’ she says. ‘I’ve never wanted to put a face to the person. I’ve never wanted to give her an identity.’”

Why wouldn’t she want to put a face to the person?  Why wouldn’t she want to give her an identity?  Any thoughts?